Atsugiri James is the face of a terrorist sleeper cell, planted to spark a race war between Japanese nationals and the country’s expat community, a spokesman for the Japanese intelligence agency, the Nihon Inter-Taskforce Worldwide Intelligence Teams (NITWITs), has announced.
American James Beam, 28, has risen to fame in Japan for his ‘comedic’ rants about how he finds kanji and life in Japan infuriating and confusing, ending each with his now popular catchphrase “Why Japanese people?!?!”
His popularity is so high, following appearances on variety shows on the nation’s television, that even eikaiwa students who struggle to understand even basic greetings, will happily spout his oft-repeated phrase.
However, following NITWITs raids on his home in Atsugi, Kanagawa Prefecture, evidence has been uncovered to suggest that he is working on behalf of a far right terrorist cell.
“Our suspicions were initially raised by how happily and willingly he played the role of an irritating performing monkey, thus inflating the Japanese belief that gaijin are in some way sub-human creatures, set for their amusement and little more,” said NITWITs spokesman, Daisuke Shimura. “This form of de-humanisation has precedents in Nazi Germany of the Jewish faith and in the United Kingdom of ‘gingers’.”
However, following the raid on his home, detectives discovered a second prong to the plan.
“It seems that this was just the initial phase,” continued Shimura. “Documents we discovered on a laptop belonging to Thick Bacon-san show that his act was set to become even more irritating, with the aim of infuriating the gaijin community to such a high level that they would stage a violent attack upon him, further showing foreigners to be animals who would brutally attack even one of their most celebrated figureheads. The terrorists hoped that the Japanese would retaliate in kind, having taken Thick Bacon-san as one of their own.
“We are lucky that we got to him before the bloodshed began.”
While most ex-pats were blissfully unaware of Mr Atsugiri, what with not following Japanese popular culture outside of anime or bukkake pornography, it seems that those who did know of his act were perhaps ready to strike.
“That ‘Why Japanese People?’ guy? If I saw him in the street, I’d smack him right in the balls,” said Simone Welles, an English teacher living in Nagoya.
Harry Stevenson, an engineer in Toyohashi said: I would happily spend the rest of my life rotting in a Japanese hard labour prison if it meant I could take out that arsehole. He makes us all look like pricks.”
Shimura also confirmed that they have uncovered up to 27 gaijin plans to assassinate Danielson. “Our investigations are continuing, and we expect to uncover more plots in the coming days,” he added. “However, from a personal point of view, I hope we miss one and they get to him. He really is an annoying cunt.”