A whistleblower from within the Japanese ministry for culture has confirmed that, rather than being as adept at foreign languages as the average American, every Japanese man, woman, and child can speak fluent English, and the huge industry that has been built up around the teaching of English is nothing more than a big joke.
“It started during the financial boom of the eighties,” the whistle blower told Nag News with perfect diction. “Most men were working 37 hour days in order to purchase a brand new television every second week. As such their wives became bored and unfulfilled sexually. Something needed to be done, and we couldn’t legally import sex workers, so instead the government made up this thing about us being bad at English, advertised for young men to work as tutors, and soon they were all servicing the bored housewives they were supposed to be teaching.”
After the bubble burst and salarymen began returning to their homes after a reasonable 12 hours at the office, the ‘teachers’ were no longer required. However, rather than reveal the lie, the Japanese kept up the charade.
“As recession turned to depression, the country needed cheering up,” the whistleblower continued in his accent not dissimilar to that of Prince Charles. “So we kept the joke going. How we would stifle our laughter as we pretended to look with incomprehension as you tried to explain the simplest of grammar points. Some of us even adopted over the top accents, but you all thought it was normal.
“Our TV shows are all about how funny it is that you think we can’t speak your silly little language, but you are all too stupid to learn Japanese properly so you will never be able to tell. Well, actually we are all really good at English. You guys aren’t. Try asking any English teacher to explain something basic like an oxford comma and he will look at you with unmasked terror. None of you have a bloody clue.”