Underwear Vending Machine Recalls Previous Life

A machine that dispenses schoolgirl underwear in a Nagoya sex shop claims to remember its previous life as a high stakes slot machine in Las Vegas during the 1970’s.

Vending machine Gozo Amano has been supplying used underwear to perverts in the store in the less-than-salubrious soapland district behind Nagoya station since the mid-90s, however he says that he can recall a previous life when he was hanging out with the great and good of America’s showbiz community.

“Today I doled out three pairs of underwear that claimed to be worn by eighteen-year-olds from Tokyo, but in actual fact came directly from a factory in China, to a grubby looking otaku with stains on his pants,” Amano said. “It’s a far cry from the time that Frank Sinatra hit my jackpot. I asked him how he managed to do it, and of course old blue eyes just grinned and told me ‘I did it my way’, and we all had a good laugh.”

Vending machine Amano says that his life isn’t so bad right now, as he gets to watch porn movies on a loop for 12 hours a day, but some days are better than others.

“My machinery is getting old and can get stuck on occasion – which is ironic considering how much lube is available – and last week the plastic ball containing the pants got stuck in my mechanism, and the manager of the store had to open me up and retract it. It reminded me of the time when Tom Jones’ medallion accidentally got swallowed up in my coin slot in Caesar’s Palace, and a croupier had to rescue him. Of course I apologised, but he told me that, while it didn’t happen often, ‘it’s not unusual’ and we all had a good laugh.”

Not that Amano’s days in Vegas were always good. He recalls an encounter with Elvis that still upsets him to this day.

“Although Pres, as I used to call him, was still in his Vegas pomp, it was obvious that he was in a bad way. He was bloated, and high as a kite, and one time he dropped a double cheese burger on one of my buttons just as he was about to collect, and he lost $20,000. He was so angry that he shook me violently and almost pulled out my plug. We had words that day, and I am sorry to say that we never made up before he passed away on the toilet a week later.

“I had a similar situation last month when one of my regular customers inserted a ¥5,000 bill in my slot and I didn’t have change. He too got angry with me, and he kicked me in the base. I found out that he died a week later after an auto-asphyxiation wank went wrong and he was discovered by his estranged wife hanging in his closet with a pair of my pants on his face.

“Sometimes history repeats itself.”

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