American President Donald Trump marked his first state visit to Japan by taking part in sumo’s May Grand Tournament in Tokyo, coming second in the overall rankings.
It was the first time that a visiting dignitary has been afforded the honour of a position on the roster, however, thanks to his history of involvement in WWE, it was adjudged that he was qualified to take part.
“The president showed a keen interest in participating in the Grand Tournament, though initially I was quite sceptical,” said Kenta Tanaka, head of the Japan Sumo Association. “However, after Mr Trump’s people sent me a video clip of him body slamming Vince McMahon, I accepted that he may have the skills required.
“In addition, not only does his daily fast-food diet far exceed the seven thousand calories that many sumo ingest, but that weird hairdo of his looks a little like a chonmage made of dirty, yellow smoke.”
While many felt that Trump would lack the technical ability to succeed in the ring, it soon became apparent that the sumo were no match for the American’s superior weight advantage, the aural flatulence of his incessant braggadocio, and the tiny little hands that made his attacks feel ‘like being stabbed with bony sticks’, as one opponent described it.
Trump quickly rose through the rankings throughout the event, and only lost the final bout to the eventual champion when he noticed a TV screen showing Fox News and stepped out of the ring to tweet about it. In spite of the loss, Trump declared himself the victor, keeping the inaugural President’s Cup for himself.
The dohyo was not the only scene of sporting success for Mr Trump, after he recorded a barely-believable score of seventeen in a round of golf with Japanese Prime Minister, Shinzou Abe, shattering the course’s previous best of sixty-three.
“It was amazing,” said the President’s caddie, Jared Kushner. “Even when it looked like he had sliced massively into the trees, every time I went to find the ball it was right in the hole. Then, on the fourteenth I was certain that he had yet another hole in one, but I couldn’t find the ball initially. It turned out that it had bounced into the fourteenth so hard that it came straight back out and flew into the fifteenth.
“The President’s golfing ability is completely unbelievable,” the shiny-faced haunted mannequin added.
Mr Trump’s trip was not an unmitigated success, however, and some of his other behaviour has strained his close friendship with PM Abe.
“At first he started talking about trade deficits and defending Kim Jong Un, but that’s to be expected as he doesn’t really understand either issue,” said a source in the Japanese government. “However, over dinner he let slip the ending of Game of Thrones, after Abe-san had expressly mentioned that he was yet to see it. Don’t be surprised if we go to war over this.”