Trump Opens English School – Actual Fatalities Are Quite Low

This article originally appeared in the September 1990 issue of THE ALIEN, NAGMAG’s grandfather publication which
knew what Trump was up to!

Tokyo- Troubled millionaire Donald Trump has recently opened a unique chain of English schools in Japan.

“The Donald” as he is affectionately known is gambling that his foray into the English school business will help save him from creditors and mounting financial woes which are threatening to push him into bankruptcy.

“Basically, we were looking for an easy way to score a lot of cash quickly, and the English school racket er… I mean business came to mind”, a company spokesman stated in an exclusive ALIEN interview. Trump, however dismisses critics who say he knows nothing about English schools, or for that matter the neanderthal workings of the all important immigration office. “Look, if there is one thing New Yorkers know about, it’s how to talk a long time about nothing, we’re naturals for this.”

Still others say Trump is putting too much money into the project. Many see a parallel with the spectacular $500 million Taj Mahal casino in Atlantic City. Honto Kechi, owner of the “Let’s English” school commented on the matter: “He is spending way too much money on the company in contrast to most English schools who squeak and wretch every blood soaked yen out of the students and teachers in order to maximize profits, he’ll never survive. My gosh, he even pays the teachers MORE than the sales agents! He has his priorities all wrong.”

The Donald School of New York English offers a complete curriculum, teaching students a wide range of skills they will need to function and communicate effectively in America’s foremost metropolis.

“It is the best school anywhere, no one has ever seen anything like it. This school is first class, the greatest school anywhere, except New York of course.” boasts Trump. “The Donald School of New York English is the first school to recreate a true urban American environment.

“It consists of several hermetically sealed rooms transported directly from New York which contain actual New Yorkers in their natural habitat. Among the environments on offer is the Subway Room. Created at an enormous cost, this room simulates a typical subway ride through Queens at 3:00am. Students are left with the teachers and encouraged to practice survival English. They have an opportunity to learn useful words and phrases such as “Stick ‘em up!”, “Gimme all your dough or the broad gets it!” and many more native colloquialisms. “We’re striving for realism” says a company spokesman. “We’ve employed a wide range of teachers in an attempt to allow the students contact with a real cross section of New Yorkers.”

Students are left in the rooms with “teachers”, some of whom seem unaware that they’ve actually left New York at all. One of them, Guido Rivetolli, an instructor in the problem plagued “Little Italy” section, has had a number of altercations with students. The company says that Rivetolli is simply overenthusiastic when it comes to his job. Recently, when one of the students acquiesced to his demands for money and gave him a wad of ¥10,000 notes, Rivetolli responded by pumping the student full of slugs from a .35 automatic. Needless to say, Rivetolli was dropped to part time. While such problems persist, the company insists that actual fatalities are quite low.

Prospective students who come by the school for information are taken into the special Wall Street Room. Staffed with former investment bankers and financial consultants convicted of fraud and other similar offenses, this room gives visitors a glimpse of what the school is all about. These staff act as sales agents while giving sample lessons on the intricacies of financial dealings in New York.

According to a company spokesman, “Our success in obtaining new members is rather high. Some students unfortunately come away thinking they have brought stock or securities. But most are smiling!”


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