A survey of tourists visiting Nagoya has revealed that the biggest complaint by visitors about the city is the distinct lack of accessible jet packs.
“This survey has been a massive undertaking over the past five years,” explained Professor Masayuki Ichino, head of Foreigner studies at Nanzan University. “We have been hoping to learn something about the foreigner mindset and what we have learned is that foreigners are a bunch of whiney bastards who are only happy when they are complaining. I mean, jet packs? What do they think this is? Buck Rodgers?”
“I was really disappointed by the poor quantity of jet packs,” said tourist Simon Nicholson, a farmer from Norfolk, UK. I come from a rural area where we regularly have sex with our siblings, so I am used to there being very few technological advancements. However, in the early 90’s I saw a program that called Japan the country of the future. For me, that means jet packs. Where are the bloody jet packs?”
“When I was a kid I saw a commercial for a robot that could bring you a cup of milk, and I’m pretty sure that came from Japan,” said Gregory Solier, a garlic polisher from France. “Nagoya is supposed to be the capital of the country’s industry, so really the whole place should be swarming with flying cars, machines that can tie your shoe laces or robot monkey butlers. Jet packs are the least I would expect.”
The survey, that cost ¥13bn to compile over the past five years, revealed that the second biggest complaint was the ridiculous figures that the local authorities spend on surveys. Completing the top three is the fact that Nagoya castle is not the original castle.
“If I wanted to see a fake castle I could go to Vegas,” said Stephanie Cronberg, a cattle rustler from Texas. “The Japanese should not have stopped at Pearl Harbor, but bombed all of the US, forcing us into submission, therefore preserving its places of interest for when I came to visit sixty years later. It just smacks of poor planning.”
“See?” added Prof Ichino. “Nothing but fucking complaints!”
The Top 10
• No Jet Packs
• Money spent on surveys
• Nagoya-jo bombed by Americans
• Fish at Yanagibashi fish market ‘too fishy’
• Nana Chan’s lack of genitalia
• Local’s aggressive assurance that miso is the world’s greatest food
• Schoolgirls not as promiscuous as seen on porn.
• Subway stations such as Ozone and Sakae not being pronounced how they look
• Too much/too little science at Science museum
• Everyone speaks funny