It’s been one of those weeks when you wish you hadn’t signed up for Galaxy Perimeter Patrol. It could have been a quiet life, comfortably sequestered away on small pink planet with a green sky, and nothing to do but throw a fishing line off an idyllic beach and catch some dinner. But no, I had to be the adventurer. I had to go where no life form had ever gone before. And look where it’s gotten me.
It all started when I was busy scraping electrolyte build-up out of the gel feeder. In the few minutes I was away from the controls, the ship drifted in to a giant asteroid belt. Rocks peppered the hull, the magnetic fields whipping us around like a cork in a washing machine, and before I knew it we’d slipped into a worm hole back to, of all the dark ages in the multiverse, the year 2012 on Planet Earth! Fuck my immortality!
When I levitated weightlessly out of the suspended animation chamber this morning, I certainly didn’t expect it to be the day I’d find myself on the wrong side of a two and half thousand year corruption purge. These monkeys are still dealing with religious fundamentalists, crooked corporations and the bloody DEA! What a mojo swamp!
So now I’m stuck here. And just like the history apps on our holographic iPad 10s recount, it totally sucks. There are no hover cars, traffic is a joke, there’s no death penalty for assholes and they flat out refuse to give you a second sauce sachet at McDonald’s. Even if you offer to pay for it! Weed is outlawed!
It’s all so backwards and dysfunctional. On top of it all, no one has figured out that they are telepathic yet, so I might as well be sending thoughts to a brick wall.
It was all feeling pretty hopeless for a while there. With a broken warp drive and no way of getting back to Nibiru for a quiet weekend on the ranch, I decided to make the most of a bad situation, and distract myself with some local entertainment. These people may not be the sharpest rocks in the asteroid belt, but they’re pretty good about putting their obvious circus online. I did some searching, and found a few upcoming gatherings. But it was all looking pretty average and re-hashed. I foresaw tiny, cramped venues, so full there was no room to move. Long door lines and an army of security. No thanks.
Then I found what I now realize I’d come half way across the universe to find.
The Sexy Halloween! Those words oozed over my pre-frontal cortex like warm honey over an imperial wedding night. With such an unapologetically bold title, this event promised to provide some respite from the uptight, suppressed drudgery of this otherwise backwards rock. I dusted off an old 3D printer, zapped out a killer costume, and teleported on down to the Flex Building in Shinsakae.
Nestled demurely into the right side of the complex, were both an elevator and winding staircase descending to the second level basement. And there, in an oasis of unbridled sensuality and self-expression, a world of wondrous fantasy and excitement sprawled before me. Creatures from the underworld, the overworld, and every other world in between filled the cavernous complex of decorated tunnels and colorful, costumed excitement and madness. Thumping musical beats filled the air, lifting my heart for the first time in light years. As I navigated the brimming throng, I discovered a number of spacious sound stages known to the local creatures as The Gallery, Vio and Mago.
As I crossed the verge from space to space, I passed through a series of delightful, psychedelic sound warps. Semi-naked pole dancers and go-go dancers swung and gyrated above the throng. Hair, nail and body artists performed their craft on laughing partygoers in inviting, subtly lit side-room booths. The crowd cheered for the best costume in a crescendo of midnight excitement, and the entertainment carried on through the night. A rare breed of considerate smokers gathered in the spacious stairwell, well away from the main crowd. AND, there was even a curry shop!
On top of all this, I think I’ve found my starmate. It feels like a match made in the celestial clouds. So, I’ve decided I’m not going back to the ranch. I’m going to make my home here. It’s totally worth waiting 364 days for the next Sexy Halloween. I’ve fallen in love with this strange, yet inspirational planet. I hear they already have an Alien Card system, so I should qualify for that, no sweat at all. I sense many eons of satisfaction, and a tribe of star babies ahead. As long as she promises to wear that costume on Sundays, at least.