Having released a magnum of cheap sparkling wine from my insides, with love in my heart, nothing in my bladder and a whistle on my lips I skipped, clad in nothing more than my Calvin Kleins and a solitary argyle sock, from the bathroom, happiness personified.
But as pessimists are wont to gleefully note, behind each silver lining lurks a great, dark cloud. And the approaching heavenly vapour was as black as obsidian.
“Do I know you?”
Shit! “No, don’t think so.”
“You look really familiar, but I can’t quite place you.”
Shit, shit, shit. “Sorry, I think you’re mistaken.”
“No, I’m certain. I never forget a face, certainly not one as cute as yours.”
And here Satan, the Angel of Light, caressed my cheek with her black, talloned fingers, letting them linger softly behind my neck.
“That’s very kind of you to say but…” I was lost in her eyes, her hypnotic eyes to which I felt bound to surrender, as she pulled my face into hers and devoured me with a deep, bitter kiss.
I felt myself giving in to her as she pushed her body against mine, kissing my face, sucking my neck, the blood rising beneath the bruising engulfment of her lips and the brutality of her tongue. Slipping a hand inside my underwear she began massaging me in a way that, though I was repulsed by her very being, I was unable to prevent a rise of appreciation.
“Let’s find somewhere we can be alone,” she hissed, and I, helpless to refuse, muttered my ascent.
To my shame, I would have gone to her, as all thoughts of Mari, my powers, my love for the world, had rushed from my brain to a more base part of my anatomy, but thankfully, perhaps sent from my Father upon high to save my mortal soul, I heard a shout.
“What the fuck is going on here?”
Despite my masterful powers of language I could find no adequate words with which to explain. No, I was left with nothing but a love bite on my neck, an unsightly bulge in my underwear and empty clichés. “Mari, this isn’t what it looks like.”
“It’s okay, Mari.” The Angel of Light was almost flirtatious in her sinuous serpentine charm. “We’ll all get paid, and you can fuck him later if you feel you must.” but Mari was not to be taken in.
“Get away from him, you bitch!”
Mari, innocent as she was, perhaps couldn’t see the transformation before her, but I was not blind to the She Devil’s ways. I could see the Mephistophelean metamorphosis, see her grow in stature. Her skin bubbled with the blisters of hellfire, and her unholy trinity of eyes opened in aghastment under her shock of wild, dark hair that parted around her thick black horns.
“Who the fuck do you think you are, you little whore?” the Beast growled.
“Don’t you call me that. I’m not like you.”
“Don’t kid yourself.” Satan’s forked tongue flicked callously between her pustuled lips as she leaned closer to the woman I loved, breathing sulphur and brimstone onto Mari’s delicate, powder-white skin. “Why else would you be here? Now piss off and find another cock to ride. The God Boy is taken.”
As much as I wanted to stand up for Mari, dear readers, dearest scribe, as much as it pains me to say it, I was transfixed by the all mighty power before me. I was locked pathetically into silence by Her presence.
But Mari, it seemed, had the reserves of strength that I pitifully lacked.
“He is not your plaything. He’s my man. Now if you don’t fuck off, you skank, I will beat you all the way back to China.” And with that Mari stepped towards the Devil, seemingly unaware of the enormous, wagging, demonic nose between them, nor the danger she was facing.
Behind us all other rumpus had ceased as pairs decoupled and gathered, curiosities piqued by the commotion. I heard the phrase ‘bitch fight’ excitedly shouted, but I could not share in the enthusiasm. I knew that Mari, she who I loved above all others, was in mortal danger.
“Come on Mari, let’s just go.”
I had thought to diffuse the situation, but in uttering that attempt at placation I had distracted my love and opened a moment of opportunity for the Evil One, who swung a black claw at Mari’s face, slashing her sharp talons down her cheek, the skin splitting like an overripe fig, sending blood cascading down her chin as she fell to the floor.
At that moment I cannot honestly attest to what happened, for all I saw was the white light of the righteous, as time on this plane froze and Satan and I were transported to another.
My fury, my energy poured from me and, in lifting a holy hand to her, the Beast was sent clattering against the wall, defeated. The power of my heavenly father had coursed through me and enabled me to destroy this foulest of beings
Now she lay on the floor, returned to her human form, broken.
“Shit, Josh man, what have you done.”
I had regained consciousness and Jude was handing me my clothes in a bundle.
“Mate, I had to do it.”
“Christ Josh, you’re in some real trouble.”
I climbed hurriedly into my clothes and helped the startled Mari into hers.
Jude pushed us to the door and rang for the elevator as I was still pulling on my other sock, holding the profusely bleeding Mari to my chest.
“Man, that bitch is connected up to the fucking eyeballs. Bad guys, seriously bad guys. You two need to get out of town, and fast. Go hide somewhere,” he implored. “If they find you, they’re gonna fucking crucify you.”