The Drunktionary

The Eskimos may have a hundred words for snow but a Brit has a million for getting pissed. Mark Guthrie instructs.

Alcoholiday – A spontaneously declared day of celebration requiring one to miss work or any other activity from which an absence would appropriately be celebrated by consuming a large volume of alcoholic beverages.

Anime Yawn  – A wild, technicolour, epileptic seizure producing aural projection brought on by drinking every brightly coloured cocktail on the OXO Happy Hour menu.

Alcholtraz  –The mysterious and legendary prison of drunkeness from which few ever escape. Committal to Alchotraz inevitably starts with the fateful words: “I may as well carry on drinking so that I don’t get a hangover.”

Arse Clenching Flashbacks 
Usually spanning the entire 24 hours of a hangover from the instant you wake up with no memory. The A.C.F.s is your brain filling in the blanks of the previous nights drinking, with every embarrassing revelation resulting in your arsecheeks clenching in shame. As the cobwebs clear, the embarrassment builds until your ringpiece is tighter than a salaryman on a ¥1,000 a day.

Beer Angel – The protective spirit that watches over a salary man as he sleeps soundly in the subway station, at a bus stop, or in the doorway of a Taiwanese “massage” shop near Ikeda Koen.

Beeriod – The bloated, nauseous and irritable feeling acquired that one time a month the missus lets you out with your mates. Some internal bleeding may be involved.

Beer Oni – The mythical demon that, in the night after you were ‘just gonna have the one’, sneaks into your bedroom, hits you on the head, shits in your mouth and steals Y10,000 from your wallet.

Beer Pressure – A psychological influence applied by friends to ensure that you continue to drink to ridiculous levels, even as the vomit mingles with the kebab sauce down the front of your shirt.

Brackhawk Down – Two and a half hours after walking aimlessly home from an evening of drunken revelry at your local gaijin bar, you close your eyes and …tadaa!! You’re the pilot of a damaged helicopter in yakuza infested hostile territory. Also know as “The Snack Street Boys experience”.

Campeye – Being so drunk that, in order to focus one must cover one eye. Playing pirate

Chu-hi Horse – The feeling of grandeur one feels after knocking back three or four of the super strength alco-pops.

Cin cin Chin Chin – The state of one’s gigglestick after raising too many glasses of cheap Italian plonk.

Grandma’s mattress, as pissed as your – To be completely, and utterly, saturated in booze.

Happusho Hepatitis – The feeling that, the morning after drinking twelve cans of the Japanese faux-beer, without immediate medical attention, you will die very painfully and very soon. Asahi Aids, Kirin Cancer

Highball Halo – Suntory-induced self-righteousness.

HubGoblin – A less than attractive ‘conquest’ one picks up in the British pub at 5am.

Izachaos – The pandemonium caused by an end-of-nomihodai gaijin stampede as they rush towards an izakaya exit before the waitress realizes that the bill is ¥10,000 short.

Karaoke Pokey – The instantly regrettable poke one has in a karaoke booth that inevitably results in a lifetime ban from Joy Joy, and the CCTV footage of your tryst appearing on YouPorn.com

Kirin Cojones – The feeling of invincibility the usually timid person gains through imbibing six pints of lager. The acquirer of kirin cojones often finds themselves both stepping where angels fear to tread and lying in the gutter with their nose splattered across their face.

Omeshu Tardis – A four dimensional sake scooter.

OniBeeri – An inexpensive carbohydrate snack, often in cylindrical form, picked up in a conbini in order to sustain one’s self for the rigors of the night ahead. A traveller, a can of beer.

Philanthropissed – The act of selflessly donating drinks to the object of one’s affections with, ahem, absolutely no ulterior motives whatsoever

Piggot’s Regret – The existential disappointment in one’s self after yet again waking up next to some minger from Gen’s whose name you don’t even know. Named after Mr Thomas (surname removed on legal advice) for who this is a twice weekly occurrence.

Sake Scooter – The magical vehicle that, after copious amounts of sake, and despite you having no recollection of riding it, gets you home safely, no matter how quadraspazzed you were.

Sake-t – The invisible jacket that one wears on the walk home after a night of drinking rice wine.

Shochu Shades – Ocular impairment, worn when one is in an extreme state of refreshment after drinking the Japanese liqueur, changing the visual appearance of a HubGoblin to one of supreme beauty.

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