The Drunktionary

The Eskimos may have a hundred words for snow but a Brit has a million for getting pissed. Mark Guthrie instructs

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As good old Billy Shakespeare used to say, if music be the food of love, then we should bloody well get down and boogey. Well, NAGMAG has a better saying. If alcohol be the drink of fun, then let’s find some funny words and euphemisms to talk about the shit that goes on when you’re rat-arsed. Okay, that may not be quite as pithy and poetic, but do you know what, iambic pentameter is for lightweights. So let’s all raise a glass to Samuel Johnson, may he be merrily spinning in his grave, as we review the essential phrases one needs to recount an especially memorable night on the town.

AKB-84 | <akb-84> |
A group of Japanese women who, from a distance and with the aid of copious amounts of alcohol, look like they could be attractive young things but, upon closer inspection seem well past the age of retirement. Mutton dressed as lamb.

Alchotraz | <alchotraz> |
The mysterious and legendary prison of drunkeness from which few ever escape. Committal to Alchotraz inevitably starts with the fateful words: “I may as well carry on drinking so that I don’t get a hangover.”

Bed Glue | bed ɡluː |
A liquid that adheres the imbiber firmly to their mattress the next morning. Beer.

Beeriod | <beeriod> |
The bloated, nauseous and irritable feeling acquired that one time a month the missus lets you out with your mates. Some internal bleeding may be involved.

Happy Hour Power Up | ˈhæpi ˈaʊə ˈpaʊər ʌp |
The boost of confidence a fellow feels after drinking three pints of Long Island Iced Tea for under ¥1,000. It is not dissimilar to the effects of jumping on a mushroom in the Super Mario World game in that a man spends the evening confident that he will find a beautiful princess, fighting everything that happens to walk towards him, and eventually ends up riding something that resembles a dinosaur.
Host Bar Head | həʊst bɑː hed |
The ridiculous hairdo that comes from a night of drunken sleep in varying awkward positions that bears an uncanny resemblance to that of the preened, effeminate louts that hang around Sunshine Sakae.

Hub Goblin | hʌb ˈɡɒblɪn |
A less than attractive ‘conquest’ one picks up in the British pub at 5am.

Izachaos | <iza> ˈkeɪɒs |
The pandemonium caused by an end-of-nomihodai gaijin stampede as they rush towards an izakaya exit before the waitress realizes that the bill is ¥10,000 short.

Karaoke Pokey | ˌkæriˈəʊki ˈpoki |
The instantly regrettable poke one has in a karaoke booth that inevitably results in a lifetime ban from Joy Joy, and the CCTV footage of your tryst appearing on YouPorn.com

Mat Shot | mæt ʃɒt |
The the putrid contents of the bar matt which is poured into a shot glass for a customer who asks for an elaborate drink at closing time. AKA The Matt Demon

Miso Horny | <miso> ˈhɔːni |
1. A distinctly Japanese craving for miso soup after a night of drinking. A good preventative hangover cure.
2. A hurried bout of drunken self-pollution indulged in whilst your Japanese partner is in the kitchen drinking miso soup as a preventative hangover cure.

OniBeeri | <onibeeri> |
An inexpensive carbohydrate snack, often in cylindrical form, picked up in a conbini in order to sustain one’s self for the rigors of the night ahead. A traveller, a can of beer.

C.P.R. aka Controlled Poot Revivification  | siː | ˈpiː | ɑː |
When someone passes out at a party and you revive them by farting in their mouth.

Philanthropissed | <philanthropissed> |
Selflessly donating drinks to the object of one’s affections with, ahem, absolutely no ulterior motives whatsoever.

Pissabled | <pissabled> |
Of a person who is incapacitated physically, mentally or both by an over indulgence of The Drink.

Sake Samurai | seɪk ˈsæmʊraɪ |
Someone who, after an evening’s indulgence in sake, finds themselves with the power of the legendary fighting force, but feels so hungover the next day that he spends the morning debating slicing his own belly open with a dagger.

Shochu Shades | <shochu> ʃeɪdz |
Ocular impairment; the phenomenon which occurs after entering an extreme state of refreshment caused by drinking copious amounts of shochu, rendering a person who would one would ordinarily regard as unattractive as sexually alluring.

Shochu Shoes | <shochu> ʃuːz |
The magical footwear that allows a drunk person to find their way home, despite being unable to remember the journey.

Strong Hero | strɒŋ ˈhɪərəʊ |
The feeling of invulnerability caused by the consumption of three or more cans of super strength Strong Zero chu-hi that may lead to performing dangerous activities, such as climbing the outer scaffolding on the thirteenth floor of the Freebell Mansions building at 4am, to pick an example entirely at random.

Unhappyshu | <unhappyshu> |
The horrific feeling one encounters the day after drinking four cans of sparkling low malt beer-flavoured beverage

Velez’s Invocation | veˈlezɪz ˌɪnvəˈkeɪʃn̩ |
The silent whispering of Hail Marys and Our Fathers a gentleman prays to his maker upon spying a conversation in a local nightclub between two females he is simultaneously, but without the other’s permission, banging. This is done in the hope that God will strike one of them down dead before his subterfuge can be discovered. Named after Jason (name removed on legal advice) for whom this was a terrifyingly regular occurrence in Gens, ID and many other Nightclubs around Nagoya.

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