The Big Smoke

Dan Speight

One day, in a faraway fantasy land, after a hard day saving maidens and slaying dragons, a very weary little Johnny decided to go out for some food.

He entered a cosy inn, sat himself down in a corner with his back to the wall, and before long he was chowing down on some delicious, nourishing local fantasy fare. The aromatic, select ingredients within the ancient recipe flowed swiftly into his cells, infusing his body with welcome, much needed nutrients.

Little Johnny felt his strength start to return. Leaning against the wall next to him,  a few drops of freshly slain monster’s blood dripped from his sheathed sword onto the roughly hewn wooden plank floor. The barkeep nodded approvingly at the hero’s exploits, and nodded at the wenches to dish up a second serving of sustenance to their mysterious patron.

He was going to need all his strength and really good ball skills to defeat the dreaded Dragon of Obasan Rock on the morrow. Weapon-of-choice-one-on-one was no idle endeavor.

Especially against a fucking yoked, dinosaur-size Bob Sapp of a flying reptile with talons like rhino horns, and no respect whatsoever for the concept of weight classes in MMA. Little Johnny had visions of embarrassing defeat, of being torn in two by the beast’s massive claws.

With one foot on his face and the other raised to deliver the death blow, the dragon’s evil, blood-curdling voice howled it’s victory taunt louder than an Uyoku Bus Speaker, “Bro, do you even LIFT?!” He could not let this happen.

Little Johnny needed to win, at all costs.

Little Mary had promised him a BJ behind the lunch shed if he pulled this one off. The last time he’d been offered a BJ by someone as hot as little Mary was in Thailand, and the mental scars of that encounter had almost broken him.

This time little Johnny knew for sure what he was dealing with, and he was determined to come home with a story he could tell the guys without being laughed out of the room. Winning, was everything for this hopeful, young warrior.

Suddenly, the plebians seated at the tables around him leapt to their feet, throwing open their cloaks in unison. They drew syringes from their belts, slapped frantically at inner elbow veins, and jabbed themselves with poisonous narcotics.

They then started leaping over tables, jabbing all the other customers with used needles. Before little Johnny could say, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d go outside and do that.”, he was assailed by stinging little pricks (and more bad memories of Thailand).

The toxin seeped through his body, destroying DNA strands in its wake and laying destruction to his muscle tissue. Johnny did his best to repel the assassins, dropping a huge bean fart in their general direction.

They just took one whiff and laughed in his face, mocking him with, “What was that? Dude, do you even LIFT?” Little Johnny passed out, incoherent at a ramen shop later that night, slept through to noon and totally missed the dawn duel.

He was forever shamed as a loser throughout the land and outcast from the Heroes’ Guild. His enchanted sword was melted down and used to make stick-on glitter attachments for iPhone cases.

Little Johnny never made it to the play-off with the Dragon of Obasan Rock. Indeed, he never recovered from the shame of defeat, and died a lonely old man, in a small, one room inner city apartment above a Pachinko Parlor. He never got that BJ from little Mary.

She went on to a successful career as a fluffer for Bang Bus, and kept a Pekinese Terrier called “Claw” in memory of that big, sexy dragon.

Years later, 60 Minutes interviewed the needle-wielding plebians from the inn that night, asking them why on earth they’d decided to go and inject everyone else with smack. They all said the same thing: “What’s the big deal? It’s not that bad for you. Chill out, bro!”

Now, here’s a mind trip for ya. Read this story again, but change a couple of details:

• Wherever it says “Little Johnny”, insert “all non-smokers who want to go out socially”.

• Wherever it says “get a BJ from little Mary”, insert “get a BJ from a real chick, not some freaky dude with skinny shoulders and incongruently big feet”.

• Wherever it says “plebians”, insert “smokers”.

• Wherever it says “needles”, insert “cigarettes”.

• Wherever it says “jabbing all the other customers with used needles”, insert “filling the lungs, hair and clothes of all the other customers with stinking, toxic, poison, carcinogenic, sickening smoke that puts you off your food”.

• Wherever it says “a huge bean fart”, fart loudly and inhale deeply.

And… have a good day!

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