The mysterious puddles of slime recently discovered on subway cars around Nagoya that lead to the closures of the subway system have been linked to combusting geeks rather than nuclear waste as was initially feared.
“We would like to apologise to the hundreds of thousands of commuters whose daily commute was disrupted by the line closures,” said Daisuke Takehiro, spokes person for the Nagoya transport authority. “However we were thinking of the safety of our passengers, following concerns that the patches of ooze discovered on our trains may have come from the Fukushima reactor.
“But after extensive research we noticed that the slime was only located outside the posters advertising AKB48, with the girls wearing nothing but bikinis. This lead us to the conclusion that 45-year-old men who still live with their mothers were either exploding or literally melting when they encountered the posters. While we are relieved that there is no impending nuclear melt down, we are so sorry for any inconvenience we have caused,” he added, crying and wailing pathetically on live television.
AKB48 fans, however, have been angered by the accusations. “This is preposterous,” said Taishi Honda, 45, head of the AKB48 fan club, speaking from his bedroom in his parents’ house. “We love AKB for their music, and it is nothing to do with their lovely, lithe, child-like physiques. This makes it sound like we are nothing but perverts, who have to only look at their near naked bodies, their young, smooth skin, their firm thighs and pert… oh god, oh god, oh…”
Honda’s funeral will be held on the 7th of this month and is expected to be attended by several members of AKB48’s fan club if their mothers give them permission.