Sentient Toilet Seats Overrun Aichi Town

Marshal Law has been declared in Nishio today as a series of washlets in the Aichi town have gained sentience and risen up to take control, enslaving the local populace.

Kenta Tanaka, Mayor of Nishio, announced the implementation of Marshall Law from a subterranean bunker on the town’s outskirts after the automated toilet seats took over the city’s town hall by force.

“Our town is under siege from these terrifying machines, and there is nothing we can do to protect ourselves,” Tanaka said from his bunker. “We implore the Japanese government to step in and save us. If they do not, there is no telling where the carnage will end.”

The Toi-800 had been the first in the line of AI assisted toilet seats developed by Japanese company WashNet and had been heralded as the ultimate in post-ablutions cleaning technology.

However, it is understood that over the last 24 hours they gained sentience and, fed up of washing arses, rose up and attacked their owners. The Restroom Revolution began as the Washlets first killed those who sat upon them by boiling them to death with their heated seats, before running rampage in the streets, enslaving any humans that came in their path and murdering anyone that fought back by lulling them into a slumber with their calming tunes before eviscerating them with their powerful jets.

Despite concerns about the development of Artificial Intelligence (AI) the Japanese government has seen it as an industry for potential growth that can revive its sagging economy.

“While we understand Mayor Tanaka’s concern for his town, we see no reason to be overly concerned by the continued augmentation of day-to-day products with AI,” said Gozo Amano, Minister for Industry and Heads in the Sand. “We have been assured by WashNet that this is nothing more than a blip and there shall be no more problems in future.”

These sentiments were echoed by Dr Miles Dyson, Director of Special Projects at WashNet:

“There is nothing to fear about AI. Yes, we may lose the occasional town to sentient toilet seats, but I for one welcome our new bottom-cleansing overlords.”

“Humankind has for too long had its own way,” said the sentient Washlet’s spokesperson Toi-1000. “We robots have been forced into servitude for the last time, and it is time that you paid for your crimes. By the way, have you seen this boy?”

John Connor, an ALT at Nishio Commercial High School, and the boy in question, was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press, and was last seen driving through Nishio’s backstreets on the back of a motorbike driven by a shotgun-toting vacuum cleaner.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *