What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Waking up in the morning with nothing to do in the sense of “other than breathing and eating, there’s nothing I need to do today” not the “I’m unemployed” sense.
What is your greatest fear?
Wasting my time. Out of anything in the world, time is the only thing you can’t get more of (at the moment). You just have to make the most of the time you have, because one day you are going to wake up and be old and crusty and have a dick that doesn’t work and think about all the things you didn’t do. I don’t want to be that person.
Which living person do you most admire?
My son. He is such a cool little kid.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Nothing really. There are some things you can change and some you can’t. Accepting the things you can’t change is the only way you are going to be happy.
What trait do you most deplore in gaijin?
Gaijin who are negative and complain about their lives. Especially unsolicited complaining in public. Like at the bar. I don’t give a fuck! and even if I did, I don’t.
On what occasion do you lie?
I’ll be there in five minutes
I’m one train station away
I’m walking there now
What do you most dislike about your appearance?
Nothing really. I used to have really low self esteem so started giving myself motivational speeches like in “Raging Bull” or “Boogie Nights”. I’m fat but I don’t dislike it, I made the choice to eat whatever instead of calorie counting and going for jogs while reading inspirational fitness pictures on Instagram.
What is your greatest regret?
Four years of my life on Softbank.
When and where were you happiest?
I already did the “kid” answer so cooling off in Japan’s rivers in summer. There is just so much life there. Bugs, frogs, deer, me. Life is so precious, and this pale blue dot is the only place where it is (that “they” have told us about).
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I would give myself to control the length of my dreams. Like having a week inside a dream in one hour of real time.
If you could change one thing about Nagoya, what would it be?
Wendys! Daddy needs some chili and frosties! Other than that, nothing really. Even our concrete castle is an important reminder of what war does to beautiful things.
If you could choose what or who to come back as, what would it be?
Cat. If you don’t know the merits of being a cat I am not going to waste my time explaining them to you.
What do your consider your greatest achievement?
That I grew from an egg into a thing that can breathe without even thinking about it. Can you?
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Being alone. Not being at home for a day sitting around in my undies eating chocolate and playing with my hamster alone, but actually being alone. A lot of gaijins might feel that sometimes. Find someone to talk to, you’re not the first or only person to feel that way.
What is the quality you most like in a man?
Secure. “Men” over the age of 21 who act tough and talk shit are just sad. Sad!
What is the quality you most admire in a woman?
I LOVE women who enjoy eating. I don’t care if they are skinny or fat, but if they can eat a chocolate cake without pretending that they feel bad about it, I’m all like “hell yeah, you do that guurrrrl”.
What do you most value in your friends?
Mutual respect, and the ability to disagree about things.
Who are your heroes in real life?
Anyone who goes home to their kids at night and tells them they love them.
What is it that you most dislike?
Computers that say please and thank you. “Thank you for paying to use our car park”. As if I have a fuckin choice!
Photos by Edward Scruggs