Prince Charming, the prince regent of Fairytalelandia, has begun legal proceedings against television personality Beat Takeshi, suing him for wilful injury, negligence and false advertising after Charming was almost killed in Takeshi’s Castle.
Charming, 21, a dashing hero with blond hair and blue eyes who rides a powerful white stallion, had received news that a damsel in distress was being held within the castle, and travelled to Japan to rescue her.
“As a prince, I am used to quite a bit of peril when it comes to rescuing fair maidens, but this was like nothing I’ve ever encountered in my life,” Prince Charming explained. “At first I had to make my way across the moat, not by a draw bridge, but by hanging from a giant mushroom on a wire. I got all the way to the end, but then lost my grip and bashed my head on the shore. I was in major pain, but an audience just laughed at me.
“Next, I had to cross a small, rickety bridge while volleyballs were pelted at me. I winded up taking one hard in the nuts, a result of which, I am pretty certain that I will be unable to sire an heir to the throne.”
Once within the castle walls the chaos did not relent, as first he was assailed by boulders rolling down stairways, was made to dress as a giant hand to play karta, ran headfirst through a door, chased through a maze by clowns, rode a bucking bronco lizard, and flew on a zipwire while in a giant bird costume.
“By the end of it all I was battered and bruised, but worst of all, my dignity is in tatters. And when I got to the end there was no beautiful princess, just an old Japanese comedian with a dodgy eye.
“I miss the good old days when all I had to put up with was fire-breathing dragons.”