Pokémon Gone! Thousands missing following game’s release

Thousands of Nagoyan residents are missing and feared dead following Nintendo’s release of the Pokémon Go application for smartphones.

The game’s Japan release was met with celebration by adult fans of the children’s TV show who, despite being old enough to know better, downloaded it in their thousands.

However, many of these gamers have, after a brief period of uploading their every Pokémon related moment on social media, simply disappeared.

“My girlfriend was quite excited by it all and downloaded the game upon its release,” said Meito-ku resident Jason Timms. “At first it was fun, but I tired of it quickly. However, when I suggested that she put her phone down for a second while we eat, she mentioned something about there being a Snorlax nearby, got up from our table and I haven’t seen her since.”

“My fiancé Daisuke downloaded the app just to see what all the fuss was, but he became hooked quite quickly.” Said Malorie Conway of Chikusa Ward. “He would play for hours, and it came to a head when the priest marrying us asked him to put the phone down and Daisuke just turned on his heels and headed back down the aisle because there was a pokéstop down the road. He never came home and now my life is in tatters.”

These stories have been repeated all over the city with thousands of families contacting the authorities to find loved ones, according to Sargent Ito of Nakamura-ku koban.

“Unfortunately there is nothing we can do,” said Sargent Ito. “You will never see them again, so you will just have to move on with your lives.”

Reports that thousands of people in Gamagori walked into the sea to their deaths in the hope of catching a Dragonite have been refuted by a city official who explained that they did so simply because they live in Gamagori.

In other Pokémon Go related news, an avid player found unexpected enjoyment within the game when he wandered into a new area of town.

“I had heard there was a Pikachu nearby,” said Gozo Amano, an employee of Otaku Manga Cafe in Nakamura Ward. “I followed my phone into a building near Nakamura Park that happened to be a ‘fashion health’ establishment.

“A woman asked me what I wanted and I told her ‘I want a Pikachu.’ ‘You want a peek at me?’ ‘No, I replied, I want a Pikachu.’ ‘Of course you can have a peek at me,’ she said, to which I replied exasperated, ‘no, I don’t want a peek at you, I want a Pikachu.’ ‘She didn’t understand and just reiterated ‘if you want a peek at me, darling, it’s gonna cost you.’

“This went on for a further thirty minutes,” continued Amano, “before I realised that these sorts of jokes don’t work so well when written down and decided to give up.

“Instead of catching the Pikachu I gave her some money, she gave me a blowjob, and I have to say it that it was so satisfying that I have given up on chasing Pokémon and from now on will be chasing women, real ones, instead.”

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