No one likes your Karaoke choices, study shows

While you may believe that the song that you have just keyed into the electronic keypad is the one that will bring the house down, in actual fact no one gives the slightest of shits, a new study shows.

Karaoke is by far and away the entertainment of choice for gaijin wanting to ingratiate themselves into Japanese popular culture, but most have an unreasonable belief as to how well their choices are going to go down with their fellow revellers.

“So many people presume that their choice of song is going to be met with a roar of approval,” said Shiori Utagawa, Minister of Fun for the Japanese government, who led the study. “But our research shows that no one really gives a toss about what you sing and your friends will be either spending their time playing on their phone, trying to cop off with someone drunker than they are or choosing their own next song that they think will be the big hit of the night.”

“I was full of hope as I keyed in the numbers for the theme tune for the popular TV show One Piece,” said Aidan Makepeace, a self-professed anime nerd. “But when I started singing along, I was surprised that no one gave a shit that I was able to sing in Japanese. It was pretty soul destroying.”

Having noticed Makepeace’s failure, his friend Jason Velez opted for another tact.

“I didn’t want to look like a loser like Aiden, so I went for a stone cold classic that was bound to get everyone jumping,” ex-fratboy Velez explained. “My bros and I used to always shout along to Sir Mixalot’s classic Big Butts, so I presumed that it would go down a storm. But instead it went down like premature ejaculation in a porn shoot.”

The night continued in a similar vein with others trying Oasis, Billy Joel and even Bohemian Rhapsody but still no one could look past their own navels or iPhones far enough to enjoy the night.

When no one could even rouse enough attention to get involved with a call and response for The Mammas and The Papas’ All The Leaves are Brown they decided to call it a night.

“That’s pretty standard,” confirmed Utagawa. “Karaoke is nothing more than sonic masturbation. It’s something that is enjoyed by oneself, but you should never expect others to enjoy your squealing, inadequate performance, let alone join in.”

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