New ‘Genki’ Targets Unattainable, Says ALT Union

The level of genkiness expected of Assistant Language Teachers in Aichi Prefecture has risen for the tenth year in a row to 276 per cent, according to new board of education legislation.

While ‘teachers’ in the prefecture’s schools are not expected to have any qualifications, experience or even aptitude for the profession, they are expected to be super-genki, and the recent announcement that genki levels have been set at historically high levels is an important development, according to the BoE.

“We know that most of the ALTs we hire are absolute dogshite at their job, but we don’t actually expect them to do any teaching. No, we leave that to the professionals,” said Kana Nagata, spokeswoman for the BoE. “But what we do expect is for them to behave like dancing monkeys and distract the pupils for long enough for the real teachers to catch fifty minutes shut-eye at the back of the class.

“However, with their Nintendo Switches, Fortnite and Pornhub, today’s children are already desensitised to excitement, so we need our ALTs to raise their games considerably.”

However, the announcement has been met with dismay by ALTs.

“We are already operating at extreme genki levels, and to raise them any further is just dangerous,” said Simon Poulter, head of the Assistant Language Teacher union, ALT-Rights.

“Although the law has only been in effect for one week we have had reports of one teacher’s jaw breaking clean off from smiling too much, another rupturing her spleen during an overzealous call and response of ‘how are you? I’m fine thank you and you?’, and one teacher breaking his neck when getting on all fours pretending to be an elephant, though we are still looking into counter-claims that he was actually attempting to look up a student’s skirt.”

When the union’s concerns were put to the Board of Education they reacted with confusion:

“An ALT union? They have one? Really? No, I don’t think so. And even if they did, we wouldn’t listen to them.”

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