Mark Guthrie ponders plans best not laid

Once upon a morning dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a bright and jocular NAGMAG of the months before,
While I dribbled, nearly napping suddenly there came a tapping,
As if someone gently rapping, rapping at my Freebell door.
“Trick or treating swine,” I muttered, “tapping at my Freebell door-
Those bastards, ‘been told before.

Ah, how now I well remember, it was before bleak November,
And the bowl of Hall’ween tender, candy left beside the door.
Eagerly I wished the morrow, for payday was then to follow,
Having spent and had to borrow, partying the night before.
The great fun we’d had at Mago, left me broken, broke and poor-
Cash now gone forevermore.

Now the scraping sounds below me, feet scratching the floor tatami,
Dulled me, filling me with an ennui-ish feeling never known before;
So that now to start the beating of my heart I stood repeating,
“Fucking trick-or-treaters now entreating at my Freebell door,
Bastard trick-or-treaters now entreating at my Freebell door,
They’ve had candy, wanting more!”

Soon my rage it now grew stronger; boiling fury in my anger,
“Oi!” said I, “bastard knobheads, fuck off, fuck right off now I implore;
I was nearly fucking napping, and so rudely came you rapping,
Surely you can’t be a-tapping, tapping me for candy more,
If you are then god forgive you…” here I opened wide the door:
A party mask, nothing more.

Long at that mask I was peering, hungover I stood there, bleary,
Aching, cursing, swears no human being dared to ever swear before;
But the silence was unbroken, of danger was there no token,
And the only word there spoken was the recalled name “Chiho”.
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the name “Chiho”,
Just that name and nothing more.

Back now in my bedroom turning, my hangover now so churning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder, louder than before,
“Surely, said I, surely that is something at my dank balcony;
Let me see what that can be, and this mystery explore;
Let my head be still a second and this mystery explore.
‘Tis the typhoon, nothing more!”

Open here I flung the shutter, when, eyelashes all aflutter,
There in stepped the girl from the SEXY party of the erstwhile night before;
Not least an embarrassment gave she, with a sway of hips she stayed me
But with grace befitting no lady, lay down on my bedroom floor-
Stretched upon my worn tatami, sprawled out on my bedroom floor.
Lay down, and yawned, nothing more.

Now this fit bird, quite beguiling, now startled me into smiling,
By the blank and bored decorum of the countenance she wore.
“Though thy figure be curved but slight, I’d hoped you’d left my place last night,
Leaving no phone number despite the fun we’d had the night before.
Tell me why you haven’t left here and when you’ll leave through my door!”
Quoth the lady, “Nevermore.”

Shocked was I by her so pretty, to hear English spoke so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning- little relevancy her words bore;
For men are all agreeing, despite how pretty be this being,
Or even had there been feelings, fun times and great a rapport,
Though a pretty girl she may be and such fun the night before,
Does not want heard: “Nevermore.”

Startled at how frankly open, though her English likely broken,
“Doubtless,” said I, “What she utters is her only language stock and store.
Caught from a shitty Eikaiwa, lessons ending in disaster,
Her taste for gaijin much deeper than her grasp of English bore,
Till her teacher’s lack of patience pushed so he could take no more,
Crying “Never- nevermore!”

But the fit bird now beguiling, though I was no longer smiling,
Hard I hurled insults at the girl who lay upon my bedroom floor,
But then with the insults missing, I began my reminiscing
Mago, dancing, drunken kissing with Chiho this night before.
And now in shock I realised why this pretty bird now swore,
What was meant by “Nevermore”

It now took no difficult guessing, the reality now depressing
There lay no used condom ‘mongst the rubbish and stuff on my bedroom floor.
That this thought now gestated, the fact that last night had created,
A problem not unrelated to what’s in my dresser drawer,
Prophylactics, they remained there unused in my dresser drawer
I shall be free, nevermore.

Then my thoughts grew dark and heavy, her perfume it now insults me,
It signifying her devilish charms that seep from bewitching pores
“Fuck! I cried, “thy God has broke me – why was it not spoke unto me?
Contraception, contraception was not used this night before.
Fuck, oh fuck when will I be free of these fruits my loins have bore?”
Quoth the lady, “Nevermore.”

“Morning,” said I, “morning after, ‘tis the pill that we are after-
To the chemist hence, not a moment spent, it’s this pill that we must score.
We may be down but yet I’ll save thee, before born this unborn baby
On my life I didn’t want he – let’s get rid now, I implore.
Will you – will you stop this baby? Tell me I beg, I implore!”
Quoth the lady, “Nevermore.”

And then came the darkness hence, my life a daily recompense,
With toys mingling, spread out with makeup upon my old bedroom floor.
Though I love the child so dearly, I dream of what could have once been,
Times of fun I’d spent with many, many girls like her before.
But those times are gone, long gone now, for with Chiho must I stay now.
And regrets? Forevermore.

Happy Halloween. Don’t have nightmares!

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