Nana-chan Rampage Leaves 700 Dead!

SONY DSCNana Chan, the much loved statue and symbol of Nagoyan retail, was arrested today after an alleged three hour rampage that left nearly 700 dead. With a further 900 injured, that death toll is expected to rise.

Eyewitnesses reported seeing the 6.1 metre tall statue begin to quake with anger before uprooting her feet and destroying property.

“I was waiting for a friend outside the Meitetsu building,” said Stephanie Gayle, a teacher from Sheffield, “and I saw this guy stop underneath Nana Chan and take a photo up her skirt. Next thing you know she has swatted the guy across the street and through a car windscreen. She went crazy after that.”

This was at 16:30, and according to police, for the next three hours 41 year-old Chan wreaked havoc across the city, throwing cars through buildings, crushing people under foot and breathing fire at armed police. Then, after climbing the Midland Square building, she reached inside and tossed tourists who had gathered on the observation deck to the ground below. She then turned herself in to Nakamura-ku police station

A police spokesman said: “Nana Chan was arrested today and charged with disturbing the peace and the murder of 694 people. She will be remanded in custody without bail until a large enough courthouse can be constructed to accommodate her trial, a trial at which we fully expect a guilty verdict.”

However, spokesman for Nana Chan’s lawyers at Watanabe, Wiseman and Thirdname Solicitors was positive about Ms. Chan’s prospects:

“This is a clear case of self-defense. Ms. Chan has faced frequent sexual harassment by the Nagoyan populace, abuse she has time and again reported to the local constabulary, yet no action has ever been taken. While she regrets the severity of her response, she believes a jury will take into consideration the repeated torment afflicted upon her.”

Legal experts are in seeming agreement with Watanabe, Wiseman and Thirdname’s stance, many of which citing precedent in the case of The City of Nagoya vs Godzilla. In 1964, the radioactive lizard destroyed much of the city including Nagoya-jo, yet was released after a plea of temporary insanity brought on by nuclear poisoning.

For further images and eyewitness reports, see pages 3, 4, 7 and 8-13.

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