The three-week search for a missing foreigner has come to an end after police reached the conclusion that, having taken the Japanese Language Proficiency Test Level N1 examination, he disappeared up his own arse.
American John Simpson, 26, failed to turn up for his teaching job in early July, prompting his concerned employers to alert police. Friends feared the worst.
“John was always going to cosplay conventions and stuff, so I wasn’t too worried at first,” said Sarah McPherson, Simpson’s colleague at ABC International Preschool. “But then I noticed that my Facebook feed was no longer getting clogged up by his statuses comprised of impenetrable kanji, filtered pictures of exotic Japanese foods and hundreds of fucking kaomoji. I then knew that something must have been very wrong.”
Police tirelessly searched Simpson’s known hangouts; Jump shops, Yu-Gi-Oh competitions and the Starbucks where he would ostentatiously read Murakami novels in Japanese, but there appeared to be no sign of him.
Then, by a stroke of luck, investigators discovered Simpson’s final post on a One Piece fan forum in which he revealed, under his pseudonym Watanabe Wannabe, that he had just taken the highest level JLPT exam and was extremely confident of passing. Police immediately cancelled the search.
“This kind of thing happens all the time,” explained Sargent Ito of Nakamura-ku koban.
“Foreigners become besotted with Japanese culture and begin to identify more with their adopted nation, dressing in gaudy parodies of Harajuku fashion, dropping dozens of Japanese words into English conversations and developing conversational tics such as using ‘ettoo’ when thinking and using long guttural noises to display surprise.
“From there it is only a matter of time before they completely disappear up their own arse.”