Letter From America by Lloyd Filbert

HI! My name is Lloyd and as some of you may already know I’ve made the big move home to America to pursue a new career in the booming Trump economy. This decision did not come lightly, it was the unfortunate outcome of a nasty dispute with my boss.

It seems my boss took some disliking to a spectacular performance of “Caligula” that I orchestrated as the centerpiece of our English school’s cultural awareness event. I don’t really remember the exact reason for his anger, but someone told me that it was the slave scene which seemed to have rubbed him the wrong way. Sadly as I was bound and gagged at the time I was unable respond verbally to his complaints. I must admit, however, to a smidgen of intoxication which also seems to have added to his ire and clouded my memory of the event.

Obviously it was just yet another of those pesky cross-cultural communication things which all too often seem to be the basis of so many needless arguments.

By all accounts my fate was sealed when the police arrived and arrested my boss for trying to push me out of the window and onto the pavement 15 stories below. Thankfully he was thwarted by the heavy chains that kept me securely fastened to the wall. Fate is a fickle thing.

Nonetheless I couldn’t help but feeling that maybe it was time to move on. 16 years was a good round number, and in that time I had risen in considerable power, influence and stature as the second longest serving teacher. I had offered all I had to that school and managed to leave with a great deal of sympathy, respect and I might add, some rather painful rope burns.

A new life awaited me and I never looked back. I took the advice of my dear old mom. As she always said – when one door closes another opens! Heh! Well she was right! I walked right through those doors and into a promising career with one of America’s largest employers!

Naturally several companies shamelessly vied shamelessly for my services. The array of possibilities was tantalizing. Modeling lingerie and telephone companion services figured largely in my job search, but in the end I decided that they were too much like the kind of teaching I had been doing for the last 16 years in Japan.

Luckily my years in Japan had made me a prime catch for many of America’s most innovative corporations. So after an hour of serious deliberation I finished the cheeseburger I had been eating and threw in my lot with the one company I knew would give me the best chance to fully utilize the interpersonal skills I had honed to perfection in my illustrious career as an English conversation teacher… Bob’s Burger World!

Now I know what you might be thinking – yes a managerial position would also be suitable to my skill set, but the drive thru window is where it is all happening. You see fast food has greatly advanced since I left my native home for fame and fortune in Japan. Now they have positions for people like me who wear advanced communications gear formerly installed in only the most top-secret military hardware. Of course nowadays military contractors are selling their wares to police forces and anyone who will buy their stuff, and companies like Bob’s are turning them on the unsuspecting customers of America’s drive thru’s.

My position on the matter is this: “Where else can I get a job torturing customers for my own enjoyment without going back to teaching in Japan?”

Don’t get me wrong, I take my job seriously. It is my responsibility to keep the drive thru moving in the most timely fashion. There are a number of tactics I use in pursuit of this goal.

Often I pretend not to hear customers until they drive away. I have had some discussions about this with my boss, Herb, as to the merits of this approach. Herb tends to lean against this. He questions whether or not this adversely affects “profits” at the expense of speed. I on the other hand tend to believe that no customer can be truly happy if the employees are over-worked.

While I was unable to convince Herb the other workers wholeheartedly embraced my approach. In any event we keep Herb sufficiently occupied with bomb threats and offhand comments about the ever present danger of a mass shooting.

While ignoring customers is 90% effective at keeping the drive thu moving, there is a stubborn 10% or so who insist on honking or otherwise disturbing me. I have taken a stern line on such behavior using the not inconsiderable power of the sophisticated electronics at my disposal. The procedure goes something like this:

Me: (Silence)
Customer: Hello?
Me: (silence)
Customer: Could you take my order please?
Me: sorry… one… hour.
Customer: What?
Me: ….static…ecoli…outbreak… static..

This usually winnows the customers down to a more manageable number who really deserve Bob’ food. All in a day’s work.

Well so long for now. Next month I’ll discuss why I think Jared Kushner should run for President!

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