LBB 2016: The Drunktionary

Beer BA – A qualification received after about six pints that gives one the ability to speak at length and authority on any topic whatsoever.

Beer muffs – Invisible ear defenders that protect the hearing of the wearer from the polluting elements of reasoned argument or opposing opinions. Often worn by the holders of a Beer BA.

Cans of Kirin – The well-pronounced chest apparatus of a man who enjoys a beer or two. Moobs.

Captain Oates, to do a – A self sacrificial taking one for the team act undertaken when one is feeling worse for the drink and goes home rather than holding back more able drinkers. “Another Jäger bomb Carter?” “Nah mate, I’m gonna do a Captain Oates. I’m just going out, and I may be some time. And then I’m gonna vomit in a bush.”

Chu-Lo – The devastating hangover one suffers the morning after drinking half a dozen super-strength, sickly sweet Chu-Hi drinks.

Craft beer pocket – The dire financial repercussions of spending an evening in a Nagoya craft beer bar. “I had put some money aside to fly home for the summer, but after six pints of craft beer last week I’m so broke that I am forced to felate salarymen in exchange for cup ramen just to survive, your honour.”

Do you know what I hates, the – A level of drunkenness at which a gaijin begins to list off all the things he hates about Japan. “I bumped Tom at Hub last night.” “Yeah? How long till he got to the do you know what I hates?” “Three pints. He should just piss off back home.”

Hub Points – The spots that accumulates on one’s gentleman’s friend after meeting too many hub goblins.

HRT-48 – A group of Japanese women dressed like pretty young things on a night out when in actual fact they are all approaching the menopause.

Joy Joy no joy – The misery compounded by spending the evening enduring a medley of Disney and J-Pop songs at karaoke with a group of women and still not get within a sniff of some karaoke-pokey.

Kirin Cancer – The debilitating disease that one suffers following a night on the pop that results in a lengthy period of time off of work. And then possibly death.

Misanthropissed – Drunk to a state of curmudgeonliness, like those guys you meet in British pubs, usually following a bout of the do you know what I hates.

Pissed as a salaryman – To be in such a state of inebriation that one doesn’t care where one sleeps, whether that be in a subway station, on the street, or on the silver spiral roundabout outside Nagoya station wearing nothing but a t-shirt and a pair of black socks, to pull an example completely at random.

Pokémall Go! – The act of wandering around a bar with ones smartphone in hand in an attempt to get a phone number or two from people you wish to poke. The aim of the player is to ‘catch ‘em all’, but they most commonly end up making very little connection with the physical world and going home alone with a nagging feeling that they are wasting their lives.

Red Eye black eye – The punishment rightfully meted out when a friend goes to the bar and returns with the disgusting beer and tomato juice cocktail.

Sapporo stones – Bravado-filled balls of a usually timid man after several pints of the Hokkaido based beer. Kirin Cojones.

Shochu Schlong – See Suntory Slump

Suntory Slump – The state of one’s todger after too much Japanese whiskey. Brewer’s droop, whiskey dick.

Superdry Superfly – An individual who, after half a dozen pints of the Asahi brew, believes themselves to be the quickest wit, the best looking and the finest dancer in the establishment. i.e anyone who frequents Gen’s or Café ID.

Unhappy Hour – The time between 7pm and 8pm during which you lament your inability to get your round in earlier and are thus forced to pay double that of your more quick-thinking drinking companions.

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