A Japan-based reporter is expecting to break her New Year Resolution before the end of the month.
“Every year I make the same resolution: that when I file reports for international newspapers about Japan, I will write about serious issues facing the country,” said Simone Welles, whose articles regularly appear in such bastions of international journalism as The Daily Mail, US Weekly and BuzzFeed.
“But before the month is out I end up writing some crap about a bullshit craze sweeping the country, when in actual fact I made it all up as clickbait.”
Welles’ fabricated ‘exposes’ about the eyeball-licking sexual craze “worming”, the health benefits of chewing blowfish liver, and the astronomical success of Abenomics have seen her rise in prominence as a leading commentator on Japan throughout the world. However, she aspires to stick closer to the moral code of journalism.
“Every New Year’s Eve, when I go to bed I think to myself ‘I have to stop writing this absolute wank. So I start to write a report about how the power of the LDP spells problems for the nation’s constitution. But then I can just picture my editors’ faces and instead fart out a piece about how cats are in charge of train stations or how Tokyo sex-bots are just five years away.”
Welles is not the only reporter in Japan who expects their resolution to fail. Mark Guthrie, of respected Nagoya newspaper The Daily Nag, is also expecting his good intentions to fall away before the end of the month.
“Every New Year I tell myself ‘come on Mark, stop writing these stupid stories that denigrate the gaijin community and this country you love just for cheap laughs,” he said. “Instead you should write stories that celebrate Japan.
“But then,” he added, “I pull a story out of my arse about a predatory gaijin sex-pest dressed as Piko Taro and all my good intentions go to shit.”