“Japan World’s Safest Country” Says Man Hit by Car for Third Time in a Week

A man who has been hit by three different cars in one week has confirmed that Japan is still the world’s safest country.

Shinji Yoshikawa of Konan, Aichi Prefecture was today being kept alive by a complex combination of machines in his hospital bed, but cheerfully told reporters of how fortunate he was not to live in a country in which he was at risk from crime.

“As far as I am concerned, Japan is the safest place in the world. Women can walk the streets without concerns of attack, children are free to roam where they want without fear of kidnapping, and old people leave their doors unlocked at night.

“Of course there is a high probability that they will be mown down in the street by some maniac jumping a red light, and if they are cyclists they will be taking their life into their own hands everyday, but at least they won’t be getting pick-pocketed on the bus.”

Yoshikawa’s wife, Ami was in agreement. “I once went on holiday to London, and while I never actually saw any crime, friends told me that it might happen. I was so terrified that I spent the entire time locked in my hotel room. I will never go there again. I’m much safer here in Japan, particularly as I can no longer get out of my house, what with having been paralysed in a hit-and-run two years ago. Yes, much safer.”

However, Yoshikawa’s ward-mate, Jason Timms from California, was in disagreement. “I grew up in LA during the riots, after which I joined the military and served tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, and yet I have never been so scared as I am as a cyclist in Aichi. Drive-bys and IEDs? Those I can cope with. An Obasan running late for a café morning? Scares the shit out of me!”.

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