Gaijin Ready Themselves For Last Chance For Sex

Many of Nagoya’s gaijin population this month are gearing up for their last opportunities to have sex for the foreseeable future.

With the end of the school year approaching, many of Nagoya’s ex-pat community will be completing their contracts at the various schools at which they work and readying themselves for the return to the real world. Most of these are coming to the sorry conclusion that their opportunities to get laid will be greatly diminished upon their return due to the fact that they are boring, ugly and have zero chance of getting a well remunerated job.

“I have been doing pretty well for myself in the ladies stakes while I have been living here,” said Simon Poulter who will be returning to his hometown of Trumpton, Indiana in April. “But back home all of the pretty girls are already married to the guys who played football at school, and the rest know that I’m a bit of a dick. So this month I’ll be trying to get laid as much as possible.”

Peter Hunterson from Farageville, England is in the same boat. “I have spent every weekend for the last two years trading on my blonde hair and blue eyes, doing my best to knob as many drunk girls as I can. But when I get home, everyone will just remind me of the time when I shit myself in maths class or when I accidentally got a hard-on in the showers after P.E.

“My best chance of getting laid is if I get a well-paid job, but with my CV, that’s never going to happen,” he continued. “There is no way I’m gonna get a shag when I get home, so I better fill my boots, and the spank bank, while I can.”

Those leaving are not the only ones who fear for their abilities to turn their gaijinness into notches on the bedpost. Many foreigners who are remaining in Japan are also facing a sex-less future.

“I always fear April,” said Jason Timms, an English teacher who has lived in Nagoya for five years. “Every year younger, better looking guys come along and my trips to the Hub, seven nights a week, 52 weeks a year, are becoming less and less fruitful. I’m always sure that each March will be my last successful time.”

Long time resident Nick Vines is in a similar predicament. “My once youthful good looks have been ravaged by my alcohol addiction, fuelled by the constant pursuit of women in bars, something that none of my three failed marriages to Japanese women has curtailed.

“Now I’m fortunate if I get something once every couple of months, and even then I’m well aware that they are pity lays.

“I may have to start frequenting ‘Fashion Health’ blowjob parlours in future,” Vines added. “But to do that I’m going to have to speak passible Japanese, and even after ten years, that doesn’t look like happening anytime soon.”

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