Gaijin man sure that everything his girlfriend says in Japanese is a slight against him

Peter Guldberg from Tennessee is certain that every time his girlfriend talks to someone in Japanese she is secretly saying something bad about him.

“She just mutters stuff in that crazy language, and I haven’t got a clue what’s going on,” he said. “I’m sure she’s talking shit about me.”

“He’s just paranoid,” said his girlfriend Mai Nishida. “But sometimes,” she added in Japanese, “he can be a real dick.”

“What was that?” Guldberg asked.

“Nothing, love, all good things,” replied Nishida with a smile.

Financial news: How safe is your money? A poll of male ex-pats shows 72% believe their money is being sensibly handled by their Japanese wives. Turn to page 12 to see what percentage of your money is being used to stockpile huge caches of shoes and miso.

Travel news: Nagoya being a communication hub proven to be a lie by people who want to take airplanes. Turn to page 8 to see the ridiculously shitty list of places you can fly to from Centrair.

Hanami news: Study shows that everyone you have ever met in Japan will be in Tsuruma Park this week. Turn to p27 to see the full list of people you will awkwardly, drunkenly bump into including your now-unfeasibly-hot-but-well-out-of-bounds homestay little sister and that guy you made out with in the Hub toilets on your first Halloween.

Tabescope: Aries: You probably want pizza or a burger, but you’re getting miso soup. And you better like it. Or there’ll be trouble. Turn to page 7 to see Mystic Mark’s predictions on what you will be getting for dinner tonight.

Language news: This ginger beardy guy, who for some reason always turns up at the bottom of online articles you read, can speak nine languages fluently, yet surprisingly not one of them is Japanese. Turn to page four to find out why. Actually, don’t. It’s just an ad.

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