Twenty-seven people have been found murdered in just the latest of what police have dubbed ‘samuicide’ attacks.
Simon Poulter, a British national living in Nagoya, is believed to have handed himself in to Nakamura-ku police station this morning and admitted to killing everyone in the Eikaiwa in which he worked. The motive given for the atrocity is that he could no longer put up with people complaining about the weather.
“A twenty-three year-old man has been arrested on suspicion of multiple samuicide,” said Sargent Ito of Nakamura-ku koban. “The suspect has admitted to the crime and is currently undertaking psychological tests.”
“‘Samui desu ne, samui desu ne’,” Poulter told The Daily Nag in an exclusive interview. “That’s all anybody can bloody well say, ‘samui desu ne’, ‘samui desu ne’! They say nothing else, no ‘good morning’, no ‘hi, how are you?’ It’s just ‘samui desu ne’, ‘samui desu ne’ all day long. I had to stop them, I had to stop them all!”
Sargent Ito confirmed that these attacks are becoming more and more frequent, as autumn temperatures fail to reflect the conversational regularities of the season. “This causes a dangerous juxtaposition between a Japanese requirement to express conversational banalities on the weather as it should be, and a foreigner confusing the statement with one which is supposed to be reflective of the evidence.”
The largest recorded samuicide occurred last year when English teacher Peter Hunterson set fire to a high school killing 732 students and teachers. In his defence statement Hunterson explained: “Four co-workers had commented that it was cold before I had even reached my desk, and I just lost my shit. It was 25 degrees that day. If I were to live that day over, I would change nothing. 25 fucking degrees.”