Gaijin Has Never Had Sex in English

Englishman Mike Smithers has never had sex using the English language, he has admitted, making him concerned for when his time in Japan comes to an end.

Smithers, 28, came to Japan as a virgin after his time at university, but quickly found that his white skin, his ability to speak Japanese, and his willingness to capitalise on the drunkenness of girls in The Hub, meant that he had become something of a lothario in his new home.

“While I was considered to be a bit of a loser back at home, and the closest I ever got to getting laid at uni was the time I stole a pair of panties from the dorm’s laundry room, I have slept with dozens of girls here in Japan.

“At home my obsession with manga, Yu-Gi-Oh and anime, combined with my obvious desperation and personal hygiene problems, got me nowhere with the ladies. But here, because I have become fluent in the language and have absolutely zero standards, I have so many notches on my bedposts that I’m virtually sleeping on matchsticks.”

However, in March, Mike will return to the UK and he is concerned for his ability to not only seduce a partner in his mother tongue, but also perform the act.

“It’s a total game changer,” Smithers said. “For a start, in Japan, girls saying ‘dame, dame, dame!” is a good thing. But I’m pretty sure that the same in English; ‘don’t, don’t, don’t!’ is to be taken seriously, right?

“Also, when a girl is faking an orgasm with me, will she still say ‘iku, iku, iku’?

“Seriously, I won’t know whether I’m coming or going.”

“Mike shouldn’t be too worried,” said Smithers’ friend, Andrew Stevens. “He’s not gonna get laid anyway.”

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