The popular Japanese mascot Funassyi has been admitted to a private rehabilitation clinic in his hometown of Funabashi, Chiba, the pear has confirmed.
After weeks of speculation, the mascot, who has a history of erratic behaviour, has contacted The Daily Nag to “get my side of the story out there, nashi.”
Funassyi, real name Funadius IV, first shot to fame in friends and family urged it to apply to become Funabashi’s official mascot.
“I’ll be honest, nashi,” said the 1,878 year old pear, “I didn’t really want to do it, nashi. But when you have 270 younger brothers and sisters to care for, you have to take any job you can, nashi.”
Despite being rejected Funassyi rose in popularity and with that came fame and money.
“Oh it was crazy at the beginning, nashi. There was tons of cash, and women were just throwing themselves at me, nashi. But that was where the problems began, nashi.”
Like many pears, Funassyi had struggled with gender issues since a young age, and found it difficult to cope with the reaction of young starlets whom, having gone back to its Shinjuku penthouse apartment, grew disturbed when they discovered the pear’s complete lack of genitals.
“Oh, those chicks would just freak out, nashi. I just couldn’t handle it after a while. That’s when the drugs came in, nashi.”
And there was a lot of drugs.
“Kumamon, Hikonyan and I, we were wild, nashi – you should see Kumamon on prang. He’s a crazy fucking bear on prang, nashi! And it would be every night, and then every day, and then every morning, until my life was just about getting high, nashi.
“The thing was, everyone knew what was going on, they could see how crazy I was going, nashi. But there was just too much money for everyone, and I was their cash fruit, nashi. They didn’t want me to stop, nashi. Even my parents said nothing, although admittedly that’s probably because they are trees, nashi.”
Eventually it became too much and Funassyi tried to take its life.
“I climbed into a bath and just started hacking away at my body, nashi. There was fucking juice everywhere, nashi. I was a goner, but luckily Domo-kun came in – he had a key, we were having a thing together – and he got me to the hospital, nashi.
Having survived its terrible ordeal, Funassyi hopes its tale can be a cautionary one for other mascots.
“I’m not the only one this is affecting, nashi. Melon Bear, I’m looking at you, nashi.”
If you are a mascot that has been affected by any of these issues you can call our anonymous helpline on 053-4564-10989