DVDs still a thing, Japan insists

The nation of Japan has today reiterated the belief that, in this modern world. DVDs are actually still a thing.

Despite the advent of movie and television streaming websites, file sharing and download sites, Japanese people continue to assert that the DVD is the best technology for audiovisual entertainment.

“Of course I understand that there are far more convenient ways of enjoying movies,” said Kenta Tanaka, a salaryman from Nagoya. “But if you download the latest movie from the Internet you miss out on the physical relationship with the disc, and you lose that heart-stopping moment when your scratched-beyond-belief copy of Back to the Future 3 spins for a seeming eternity before the optic recognises it.”

DVD lover Mai Nishida is in agreement: “I tried Hulu,” said the 27-year-old Office Lady from Toyohashi, “but it wasn’t the same. Every time I clicked on a show, it was right there. I missed the frustration of opening up the box for Aladdin only to find a CD Rom of photo’s of my cousin Kana’s wedding party from 2009, and then spending the rest of the day going through every case on my shelf before giving up and just watching TV instead.”

Despite the outmoded technology continuing to impress locals, Japan’s gaijin community is struggling to come to terms with a world that still uses 20-year-old hardware.

“I went round to this girl’s house,” said Simon Poulter, an English teacher in Naka ward, “and she suggested that we rent a DVD. I got excited, presuming that she had simply mistranslated the phrase ‘Netflix and chill’. So imagine my disappointment when we she made me get up and leave the house to go to something called a ‘DVD rental store’. When we got there it was just a big building with all these boxes of DVDs. There was no search option, no drop boxes, and if I wanted to find a movie I had to manually walk around to find it. It was so confusing that I almost lost my hard on.”

Harry Stevenson, an English teacher in Nishi-ku, has found similar confusion with the outmoded technology:

“My girlfriend asked me to go out and pick up a movie, so I found a store that had the words ‘DVD and video’ plastered all over its blacked out windows. I remember my mother taking me to something called a ‘Blockbuster’ when I was a kid so I wasn’t particularly daunted. But I couldn’t believe what I found inside.

“It was nothing but porn. I was shocked and appalled. I mean, still using DVDs is one thing, but paying for pornography? In this day and age? I thought Japan was supposed to be an advanced nation!”

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