The three biggest breweries in Japan have today confirmed that their beers are exactly the same and are completely interchangeable, shocking absolutely no one at all.
Kirin, Sapporo and Asahi have been the main providers of draft beer in bars, nightclubs and restaurants around the country, holding a tight triopoly over the service industry. They have taken care to market themselves to individualistic tastes, with many people declaring a preference for one or the other, but the announcement today that they all come from one big barrel has taken no one by surprise.
“I have long claimed to like Kirin above any of the other commercially available beers, often espousing its superior hoppy flavor,” said Jamie Boot, an engineer from Osaka. “But in my heart, I knew the difference was that of boiled shit, roast shit and fried shit. It’s still all shit.”
Ashley Leyland, a Business English teacher from Nagoya said: “I always bang on about how Super Dry is by far the more refreshing tipple, however when I heard the news today, I met it with a shrug. To be honest, I’ll put anything down my gullet, as long as it gets me twatted.”
No drinkers of craft beer were available to comment at time of print as they were all too busy stroking their ironic beards, extolling the virtues of microbrews from Reykjavik and slapping themselves on the back for being so damned superior.