Ask Kazuhide – A Remembrance

Good day to you all. I am Kazuhide. Yes. People question, I real, or fake gaijin who write broken engrish? Truth is to simple. I am created, the amaterasu Omi-gami child of Jomon peoples. I AM KAZUHIDE!!!

Kazuhide
I love to read your article every month, it is the one day I can laugh at the things I see in Japan. But please tell me oh wise one, why do Japanese turn corners so slow in their cars? Are they afraid they will tip over?
Japan Jay

Dear Jay,
How are you? I’m fine thank you how are you? Japanese has the shorter wheel axis span the car. Oh, and also average street width 3.7 feet more narrow idiot! This is not America beauty easy rider, this is Japan.

Dear Kazuhide,
Most revered of the Gaijin experts.
I have a question I need humbly (or not) answered…why do people eating ramen always slurp their noodles like they are deprived of oxygen? Could it be that ramen is actually a form of advanced breathing or that it is just really tasty?
I await your answer with ramen-tinted breath.
-SG somewhere in gaikoku world.

Dear SG,
I’m sorry, this is nasty sexual thing, so I cannot describe it to you for fear lose the noble reputation the Japanese culture.

Kazuhide,
Ya know what I hate? No? You don’t care? Well, I’m going to tell you: I hate those who think they can get a free English conversation lesson out of me when I’m out relaxing and getting drunk with my wife. It starts with their lame introduction and asking me where I’m from – like it’s any of their fucking business – and then turns into a million questions, including, ‘How’s my pronunciation?’ and, ‘How’s my grammar?’ and, ‘How do you say [such and such] in English?’ And the little man last night even had the nerve to ask me what my religion was! His wife was a bumbling, noisy drunk; she was knocking shit over and spilling wine all over the place – even on my smokes, and she had a constant nasal drip – snot on her upper lip, which her husband occasionally wiped off with his handkerchief. Yucky! I hope I never see them again, and if I do, I’ll only speak in Japanese; he had his trial lesson!
(Angry Baka Gaijin)

Dear Baka Gaijin,
You know what I’m hating? We import the American college graduate to Japan, to teaching my daughter and employees some Engrish. And what they doing? Doink my daughter with AIDS and can’t get me to pronounce my ‘R’ or answer my random train question. We don’t ask the Engrish practice to foreigner in their land, those are the normal one. You are branded your ass “property of Japan for teach us English” when you sign Eikaiwa contract.

Kazuhide,
There seems to be an ancient Japanese custom, the origin of which I cannot quite fathom. Here in Nagoya, during rush-hour, you may have half the city’s entire population crushed into your subway carriage, yet as a foreigner you are almost guaranteed three seats to yourself. Am I right to assume that this is the traditional way of showing gratitude to a man who has opted for a 75% pay-cut to come over to help teach the language of the world to the people of Japan?
(anonymous)

Dear anonymous,
I repeating, you branded as our “property of Japan for teach us English”, but you fail. We can’t speak. I think we need to cut your pay more.
Kazu

Can you please tell me why does it seem that Japanese medicines have almost no effect on foreigners? Every time I have a simple cold I hope I can find pills from back home, so that I can avoid taking three times the Japanese dose prescribed in order to have some effect.
Cheers my friend!
Ferre

Dear Ferre,
We are the sensitive people. Human sleep pill does not work the large heavy bull. And Japanese sleep pill does not work the American. Same the difference.

Dear Kazuhide-san,
How do Japanese people get so skinny? Do they have a special diet? Or just a really high metabolism? I’m sorry if those questions sounded rude.
Caitie

Dear Caitie,
I appreciate and sensitive to your female weight question and problem. So, my main answer to say, stop eat so much and you getting thin natural way. Welcome to Japan please enjoy cherry blossom this next year.

Dear Kazuhide,
What for I cannot eat cherry blossom cherries? How else can I make dericious cherry pie to offer to girls in trade for the smile happy?
Buku

Dear Buku,
Cherry blossom sakura is not the same sakura to make the sweet cherry pie. It is different genus or species. Tell me Buku, can you use chopsticks?

Editor’s Note: This article first appeared in the August 2007 issue of Japanzine. Kazuhide moved on to his great reward in 2010.

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